Why do I live on the outside?

Why do I share my feelings so openly and publicly?

It’s because I have Type-II Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. That means I am susceptible to big, rapid mood swings. Emotions, for me, can get big and overwhelming easily. I’m a “big feeler.” One of my best friends describes me as having “a big squishy heart.” That feels accurate.

Because I have bipolar, I have two choices:

1. medicate myself into numbness — feel almost nothing; be a zombie. (I tried that for four years; it was awful.) Or,
2. learn to manage (not control) my emotions and moods.

The best way for me to manage my emotions is to get them outside of me, to not let them build up inside me, to live in a state of constant transparency and vulnerability. It keeps me healthy. If I keep feelings inside, if I bottle them up, then they grow too big for me to handle. If I keep getting them outside of my head/heart as they’re happening then I can deal with them in the moment. This requires vulnerability, self-awareness, courage and rigorous self-honesty.

There’s a hip term for what I’m describing: it’s called “mindfulness.” Some people tease me for how often I say the words “I’m mindful that…,” but it’s how I stay healthy. And I don’t mind being teased for healthy things. 🙂

(Footnote: I am not anti-meds. I am pro-meds. Just because my doctor and I were unsuccessful in finding a cocktail that worked for me, does not mean I believe meds are bad. I manage my bipolar without meds under doctor supervision. The right meds for the right person can be life-saving. But finding that pairing is a lot harder than many people realize. Bipolar is not a unified diagnosis; it is a spectrum. Some forms of bipolar are unsafe to manage without medication. Work with your doctor.)

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