Finding Forgiveness Through Family History
This is part of an ongoing personal blog series exploring the relationship between family history and spirituality. (Originally published on June 1, 2023, under the “Faith Matters” series in the Flamborough Review community newspaper.)
I haven’t met a perfect family yet
As a child, there were days that I got along well with my parents and days that we fought. In 30 years of professional ministry, I haven’t met a perfect family yet. Most people grew up loving some aspects of how they were raised and resenting others. Those resentments, when unresolved, can lead to a lifetime of friction with our parents. But they can also impact our relationships with our life-partners and can even impact how we raise any children we might have.
Understanding can lead to forgiveness
In my last article, I mentioned that the more we understand how our parents were raised the more it can help us to be sympathetic and even forgiving about how they raised us (or did not raise us). I want to add a caution that in cases of abuse, forgiveness may neither be possible nor even safe.
Forgiveness doesn’t make hurt “okay”
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. The more accurate translation of The Lord’s Prayer asks God “to forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” This compares forgiveness to a financial transaction. When I harm someone, they can sue me for damages. Then I owe them a debt to compensate them for the damages. If they forgive the debt, it does not remove the damage, it merely says that I have paid enough, and they are no longer going to make me pay for the damage I caused.
When you’ve paid enough
When someone wrongs us and says, “I’m sorry” too often we respond with “that’s okay.” But it’s not okay to hurt someone. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that the hurt is now okay. It means that we’re no longer going to make them “pay” for the hurt they caused. We forgive the debt, not the action. We’re letting go of the need to make them continue to pay. That frees us as much as it frees them.
When someone hurts you and says, “I’m sorry”
instead of saying “that’s okay”
trying saying “I forgive you.”
That puts the power back your hands.
When we understand why people do or say hurtful things, it doesn’t make those hurtful things okay. Understanding doesn’t make a wrong right. But understanding can empower us to “forgive the debt” and stop making them pay for it for the rest of their lives.
I am currently on sabbatical exploring the topic of the spirituality of genealogy. As part of that sabbatical, I will be travelling to the land of my ancestors, Scotland, in order to immerse myself in my own historical roots while I read, reflect and write about the relationship between spirituality, genealogy, family, trauma and healing, personal and cultural identity. You can follow my thoughts on the topic here.
