Going Home for the First Time
I recently returned home from a sabbatical trip to Scotland, the home of my ancestors. My teenage son, Ewan, joined me for part of the trip, where we had the experience of going home for the first time.
Home is a place we come from, not a place we go to. It’s possible to go back home, but how can we go home for the first time if we have never been there before? How? By visiting our ancestral home. Even as Ewan and I arrived for the first time, it felt strangely like we’d been here before. In our case, the home in question was the clachan of Morell in Easter Glen Tarken on Loch Earn in Highland Perthshire, Scotland.
My son, Ewan, had previously visited the graves of our Scottish immigrant ancestors in Puslinch, Ontario, Canada, not far from where we live. Our ancestors had been forced to leave their remote Highland glen in the 1830s. Today, their former home is a pile of rubble with fragments of walls here and there. Having stood where our ancestors were buried, I got to see the look of amazement on Ewan’s face as we set eyes for the very first time on the place where they were born.
The “Feels”
The hike up to Glen Tarken takes almost an hour from the nearby village of St. Fillans on the shore of Loch Earn. The hike is all uphill through forest, over streams, and though fields of ferns as high as our shoulders.
As we broke out of the brush and into the clearing of Easter Glentarken for the first time, I felt something stir deeply inside of me. In the genealogical community, we call it “the feels.” It’s an unexplainable transcendent feeling that comes from standing on the land where one’s ancestors once lived. There’s something deep and visceral in that ancient connection to the land of our ancestors. I don’t think science can explain it, but spirituality can.
Even though we’d never been here before, it felt like we were returning. Returning home for the very first time. Something deep in me felt settled and whole. Reunited with a source of my identity and my being.
Even Ewan felt it. I watched him as he stood still, with eyes full of wonder and awe as he sought to comprehend this amazing sight in front of him. Then he took off at a run exploring every inch of the place like he didn’t want to miss any of it. Not a word passed our lips for a long time as we just wanted to absorb this place into our being.
My 5x-great-grandfather built this place in the early 1700s. His blood and sweat were in these stones. There was something profound here. We could both feel it in our bones.
I Wish I Had a Place Like That
A friend recently commented, “I wish I had a place like that. I wish I had a place that felt like my ancestral home. But I don’t know where my ancestors came from.”
I didn’t know I had a place like this until I started researching my family history. Previously, all I knew was that my family came from the city of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, where I now live. I knew nothing of our ancient roots. I’d never heard of Easter Glentarken. It wasn’t until I started researching one generation at a time, going back as far as I could, that I discovered this beautiful glen. And the more I learned about my roots, the more I felt like pieces of me, ancient pieces, were falling into place. I was becoming more whole. I was becoming more “me.”
Maybe there is a place like this in your past, waiting to be discovered. Waiting to be experienced. Waiting for you to go home for the first time.
From “Missing Piece” to “Deep Peace”
The world of spirituality is about deepening our connection to the Divine source of life. But life comes to us through our parents, and their parents, and all our ancestors. Without that knowledge, we may wander through life wondering who we are and where we came from. Like a piece is missing. Learning where we came from means learning more about who we are. And that can bring a deep sense of peace. Even if it turns out that some of the stories we learn are difficult, they can still hold the potential for deep resolution, deep healing, deep peace…and a deeper sense of identity.
If you want to read the full story of our Stewart ancestors who came from Glen Tarken and settled in Puslinch, Ontario, Canada, click here:
This is part of an ongoing personal blog series exploring the relationship between family history and spirituality. (Originally published on August 17, 2023, under the “Faith Matters” series in the Flamborough Review community newspaper.)
